In case you somehow missed it, this morning my alma mater South Carolina announced a new partnership with Manscaped, a company that sells men’s razors and trimmers specifically designed to shave their nether regions. They’re known for having unsettlingly aggressive marketing, and today’s press release did not disappoint.

Of all the incredibly stupid college athletics sponsorships, this one makes the most sense. In fact, it’s the only one that makes sense. The first joke they make is the same one everybody makes about USC. True story: I had to adjust my entire wardrobe when I left Columbia because I had forgotten that word isn’t socially acceptable in 99% of the world. An institution of higher learning having an “official trimmer” is patently ridiculous, and it’s about to be everywhere.

Ever since they gained control over TV contracts, college athletic departments have been printing money. The decline of ratings across the board combined with the havoc wreaked by COVID over the past year has a lot of schools looking for new sources of income. Bringing on corporate sponsors would be the logical next step, but that’s what professional teams do. There’s no way schools would violate the sanctity of amateur athletics by accepting advertising money from corpora-

What’s that? A school literally renamed their basketball team after a company? Oh. Never mind then.

Sponsorship is the next frontier for college athletics. Local businesses and those started by prominent alumni have always partnered with their schools, but this is something entirely different. Global corporations aren’t just buying a few billboards, they’re becoming just as much a part of the program as the fan who’s had season tickets for decades. Marketing has become integrated into every facet of life, and college sports is no different. As long as someone has a nicer weight room or practice facility, schools will look for a leg up. After all, isn’t winning the most important thing? Teams have done a lot worse in the pursuit of a championship in the past. So buckle up and get your memes ready, because these Manscaped Cocks are only the beginning.